Unexpected Wonder:

 So it's been a minute.

I'm still attending my weekday morning Shacharit group, but otherwise a lot of my Jewish observance has dropped off. I think the biggest reason is my continued heartbreak over Palestine. I know that the bulk of the Jews I know are fiercely anti-Zionist. Still, I can't wear a Magen David right now, not even a small one; I don't want those who see it to think I'm a Zionist (whether they're pro or against Zionism). Anyway, I'm not even reading the parshah right now and pretty much not even observing Shabbat. 

On Shabbos, on Saturday, I've been going with a local group to prepare and give food to the unhoused. (Also water and sports drinks. The sports drinks in this heat may be the most impactful thing we do. Those are the most sought after things, much more so than even the food.) Anyway, that's been a positive in ways that aren't readily apparent. I feel like people are like, "oh this is a great thing that you're doing" but it's not quite that. In fact, it's pretty self-serving in that I think I get more from it than the people receiving the food do. I feel like the unhoused don't have any judgment of me, and I don't of them. I feel like even with the power imbalance, we can look at each other, human to human. I feel like I'm much more able to do that when I see unhoused people around town, too. They feel regular. I think I want to start carrying some cash with me so I have it to offer all the people I come in contact with. Again, I truly don't feel like this is altruistic on my part. It feels like seeing and being seen. It feels like humanity.

Anyway, in my Shacharit group, occasionally one of our rabbinical students leads us in a journaling service. I'm going to take these questions and try to answer them as best I can, ideally as a daily practice. I might not always share them. It will be as I feel comfortable. But I might drop the link when I feel comfortable. I'm going to keep the entries public (without names) because I don't think anyone from Dreamwidth will troll me. If they do, I'll have to lock it down. Whatever feels right.

Anyway, here are the answers to the questions for today.

1. What are you grateful for today? I am grateful for therapy. Today I did a lot of work connecting with my inner critic. Anyone reading this (unless you just stumbled upon it, in which case hi) won't be shocked by the fact that I have one. I envision it as a giant black blob. Today I realized how much pain the inner critic is in. The inner critic tries to absorb a lot of the pain. This is my understanding of it anyway. The inner critic yells and is angry and forceful but inside it is hurting. I'm having compassion for it. In therapy I was able to say to it, you can be loved. That awareness comes and goes. 
2. What do you need right now? I need for the real estate agent to call me so I can move on with my day. I need to take a shower. I need to change out the laundry. My needs feel very pragmatic. Not love or meaning or anything grand. Clean bras.
3. Close your eyes and take a breath. What do you notice? I notice that my shoulders are very tight and my stomach hurts. I notice my toes touching the carpet. I notice my arms resting on my stomach.
4. Look around you and breathe out. What do you notice? I notice that this area I'm in is basically Dave's and not mine. I notice that I may want to use the stereo components in here if they still work. I notice that I want to work on this space.
5. Who are you here with? I'm here with the aches in my shoulders and neck. I'm here with my hands typing quick quick. I'm here with a pain in my back. Hmm, I guess these aren't people. I'm here with the ghosts of all my past selves. I'm here with the photograph of a family that used to be
6. How can you seek peace today? I can take deep, slow breaths. I can sit up straight. I can drink water. 
7. Who are you remembering today? all of the people, young and old, who I used to be